The Cosmopolitan Blog

A few posts ago, i wrote about women i admired, like Oprah and Christiane Amampour. Today, I want to pay homage to two other women. These two are not famous though. But they’re brave and smart and kind and funny and so so strong. But alas, both have passed away. One, over 8 years ago. The other passed away on Saturday.

I’m writing about both, because it’s the passing of the 2nd that reminds me how much i still miss the first. This is a super long post, but it’s a personal post as i mourn both these women.

My aunt

My aunt passed away just before the millennium. But i remember her smile, her voice, her expressions, her touch, like it was yesterday. I remember her strong will. She was as short as I was (and trust me, that’s short!), but her will and her inner strength made you forget her actual height. She fought fearlessly for what she believed was right. She worked her whole life to improve the human condition of underprivileged women. But it was the woman she was that made her truly remarkable. Her strongest passion was her family. And even though she had three older brothers, she remained the head of our extended family, when she spoke, people listened, what she said went. She was also a remarkably feminine woman, i remember her closets being full of amazing sarees of the most glamourous materials and colors. She wore strong lipstick, and i always remember teasing her about how she had put some on her teeth by mistake. But my memories of her wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t remember how stubborn she could be and how angry she would sometimes get. She had 2 sons and a daughter, and i know from seeing them regularly, how often and constantly they still miss her.

Which is why i know that this empty feeling of sadness i have at the passing of this other person on Saturday is not going to leave me anything soon.

Annette

I grew up in an apartment block, and Annette was the housekeeper for the building, so she lived in the basement apartment. She was there and waiting when i was born and my parents brought me home. And she’s been there ever since. She was the one i would hang out with when i got home from school and my parents weren’t back. She was the one who would watch me on evenings where my parents were out for dinner. She was the one who took me to the park and stood by me as i rode my bike for the first time. She was the one i could run to when my mom would frustrate me like only a mom can. But Annette wouldn’t take those moments to score points, she would be understanding, she would listen, but then she would remind me of my mom’s motivation and show me that my mom actually had a point. I remember her coming up for dinner at least once a week. I remember going out to a chinese restaurant with her for the first time, and all of us, my parents included, rolling on the floor laughing as we watched her try using her chopsticks for the first time. I remember how she would make my parents laugh with her wicked and sometimes naughty sense of humor and her very unique view on life.

Later in life, after i was done with college and came back to live at my old apartment, she would come up for chats and cups of tea, we would gossip endlessly about my friends and college life, and later, she would listen to me complain about the long hours working in hotels. By then, i had gotten myself a little kitten, and Annette was there when i brought Princess home, she gave me tips, she watched her grow, she took care of her when i worked long hours. Princess got used to going down in the elevator and coming out into Annette’s apartment for a visit (although, somehow, she found the elevator trip back up terrifying). Annette gave me so much life advice, relationship tips, she always knew how to see the positive in any situation. Annette had been sick for a long, long time with a blood disease, and yet, looking at her, you would never have known the pain she surely endured daily. Pity, complaining and complacency used to drive her completely crazy. I remember her loosing patience when a grocery check out clerk would not smile, have too slow movements and refuse to be polite. She’d say “May i please have a pen (to sign the credit card receipt), oh! and a smile, please?”. She never, never let me feel sorry for myself. She taught me that life was tough, but was also so rewarding. She taught me to love animals and plants, and I remember how distressed she was when she announced she would never get another cat because the pain of loosing them was too great. I remember her smell, her hair, her nails, the German expressions she still used even though she had lived in England for years. I remember the pride with which she spoke of her grandchildren. I remember her cooking and then always leaving the frying pan with the remaining oil sitting on the stove for a day or 2. I remember chatting to her about the latest happenings of our favorite soap opera.

Then i left England. And i missed her. I missed her so much. I remember going back to London for visits, and being in a hurry to see her or call her, and all she could say was “don’t worry, i’ll be here, go spend more time with your mom instead, she’s the one who misses you the most, don’t show her that you miss me too”. She never wanted to intrude, she understood that the relationship we shared was so special that my mother might, at times, feel a pinch of jealousy, and she was worried and never wanted that to happen. I remember seeing her, year after year, and thinking she looked the same and never seemed to get older. She was stuck at a certain age and look, and that’s were she stayed. She was getting close to 80, and she was out and about like the rest of us.

But then things changed and she had to leave the basement apartment and retire. And then, with nothing to keep her busy, her condition deteriorated quickly. I remember visiting her one Christmas as she lay in hospital. She was in a room with 8 other people, and she was in the far bed, by the window. She had her back turned to the room, and as approached her, i could hear her whimpering and crying. And it broke my heart because i knew how lonely she must have felt and how having people take care of her would have been the last thing she wanted. I kept expecting her to stand up and say “enough of this, i’ve got some errands to run”. She tried to be brave as I sat with her for that short visit, but she was so upset.

I saw her a few times after that. And then, last weekend, i went to London for a weekend, fully intending to either visit or at least call her in her retirement house she lived at. And then, that evening, her son called us to tell us she had had a stroke and it was 50/50. The following day, i had planned on visiting our old apartment block and taking pictures, and it was that Saturday evening, as i took a thousand pictures of the same door, of her basement apartment and of the hallway, all these places we had spent so many hours in, that, at the same time, she was passing away.

I miss her so much. It’s not that i haven’t been missing her for the past 8 years that i’ve been in North America. But now, i can’t even call her. She’s no longer in this world. And somehow, that’s so much harder. I think about her at the oddest moments, at a checkout counter or sitting at my desk at work, and then my eyes fill with tears. I miss her. I will always miss her.

As you know, i’m a strong supporter of Oprah. I think she’s a smart, independent woman who has risen from a very difficult start, to a very influential person in today’s world. Am i proud of her because she’s a woman? Sure, woman are very “patriotic” that way, we stand together because many, many women in our history have fought real hard to give us the standing we can enjoy in most of the Western world today. Seeing the situation of women in the Middle East and Africa makes this fact even more obvious. BUT, at the same time, i would respect anyone with a story like Oprah’s, somehow who started from an unprivileged background to become one of the most successful people in their field.

So why does everyone always come down so hard on Oprah? I’m sure she doesn’t need me defending her, but seriously, do we really enjoy criticizing people who do well? You ask some people, and all they know of Oprah is some chat show host you went through her whole life having weight issues. NEWSFLASH! We haven’t discussed Oprah’s weight issues for years now, instead, her politics, her thoughts, her books, her charities, her movies… all of these things have been a lot more in the forefront than her weight issues in the 90s. So don’t give me the “well that’s all people talk about”, no they don’t! It’s what you choose to remember.

Now, the poor woman makes a choice and stands by a political candidate, and she gets grief for too?For one, if she didn’t make a choice, she would be criticized for not having the guts to take a stand. So, in case some of you hadn’t noticed, Oprah is a black woman. Turns out, 1 democratic candidate is a woman, the other is black. So how illogical is it for women across the country to criticize her for supporting Barack Obama and being unfaithful to women? Um, hello? So if she supported Hillary, we’d criticize her for supporting a white candidate??? So, let me get this right. She doesn’t express her opinion, she gets shot down. She DOES express her opinion, she gets shot down… man, sux to be a prominent figurehead.

For one, i think she is an amazing role model. She teaches us not to follow her blindly, instead, she gives us the tools to empower yourselves, as women, as citizens of the world, as human beings. If you could put aside your sarcasm and opinionated mindset, you might find that you can relate to a few things that Oprah has to say. Don’t vote for Barack Obama because Oprah supports him. Don’t vote for Hillary because she’s a woman like you. For Pete’s sake, women voters! Do what you do best. Combine your logic and your intuition and LISTEN to both messages. Then find which one rings truer to your situation and your heart. Judge them not for their gender or the color of their skin, we’ve evolved, we’re smart human beings, we are better judges of character than that… and stop judging Oprah for her choices and weight issues.

I’ll stop preaching now…